EDITOR’S NOTE: Due to trademark issues that violate the First Amendment, yet are too expensive to fight in court in this sluggish newspaper economy, this review has been excised of many NFL trademarks and brand names, including team names, sports equipment, field descriptors, colors, event titles, players names, days of the week, calendar months, weather conditions, TV networks, and derivations and nicknames for all of the above. Of considerable consternation are the team names and logos, which will not be relinquished for review purposes by the NFL. Also, we’re limited to three references of NFL (including this one) so in the following text the sports organization will be referred to as the Major Tackling Sport League, or MTSL, which Volume has counter-trademarked (logo pending) for its exclusive use.
To further clarify, Arizona Cardinals, Hometown Team, Cards, Reds, Red Birds, Growling Winged Creature in Crimson Color, and Helmet Team From Glendale That Does Not Play on Ice are all trademarked and have been identified as such in this sentence, even if they will not be appearing in the following review. For the other team, the one from the populated city in Pennsylvania, we’re bound by trademark and copyright legal precedent and must avoid references to any building which may contain the construction material steel. Even iron and aluminum — which aren’t steel, but are considered “steel-like” — are thereby owned by other entities with MTSL ties. Volume lawyers have also notified the section that Big Game has been trademarked by the event that sounds like Trooper Roll, which of course has been trademarked by the MTSL, which attempted (and lost) to allow copyright law to extend to rhyming words. Other titles, like Sunday Game or That Thing People Watch For the Commercials, as well as anything with the words “mega” or “ultra,” have had preliminary trademark paperwork started, which leaves us with only “rather large game” and “awesome sports spectacle.”
Furthermore, and as an act of sheer greed, newspapers are forbidden from using Roman numerals containing characters that could spell the word “civic” or phrase “mix CD,” which is basically all numbers — zero through infinity — except 50. This strategy has gone as far as issuing an injunction through time to Julius Caesar, should he or any Roman buddies want to stage a sequence of events that would be identifiable by Roman numeral. Godfather Part [2] is exempt due to an apparently far-reaching deal between sports and the Mafia.
Further correspondence with our attorneys have netted other issues that need printed clarification for readers: the center of the grassy field of play will be called the 150-foot mark, the banana-colored (or Yellow) goal posts will be referred to as the vertical scoring zone, we may cite no instances of Gatorade (a trademarked beverage) being dumped onto coaches, and the use of phrases like “season of hope” or “a team’s destiny” have been earmarked for DVD release and are thereby off limits.
In fact, due to a mid-broadcast uttering of the word “volume” during a Rams vs. Bears game from 1986, litigation is still pending on the title of this very entertainment section. A federal judge has allowed its use here under these conditions: this review not negatively refer to any sportscaster, living or dead, or their speech patterns or hairstyles; and that Volume concedes that the MTSL is “the only form of entertainment now or ever.” Another condition is that we must refrain from using the word Pigskin, which is being trademarked by the Pigfarmers of America Coalition, and their lawyers drive Bentleys.
Of course, all this is very unfortunate for newspapers, who have not had this many trademark issues since KISS member Gene Simmons trademarked all things he claimed to invent, including electricity, pocket watches, “rocking,” water, both hydrogen and oxygen, and Everything, the abstract idea of all things everywhere. Please don’t be dissuaded from reading sports commentary, though. Although it should be noted that both “sports” and “commentary” used together will be forbidden by the end of the current Supreme Court session.
With the technicalities out of the way, here’s Volume’s review (or what’s left of it) of that thing that happened the day before yesterday:
Our team lost. They put up a good fight, but couldn’t pull through. It was sad.
— Michael Clawson
