If someone were to write a book called Why Disney Hates Your Children I could guarantee you a chapter — or
11 — would focus on Air Bud and its
vile spawn.
We give Disney a lot of credit for some great things: the
wonderful theme parks, pioneering animation techniques and its iconic branding
of Mickey Mouse and the Disney name. Then there's its direct-to-DVD division, which churns out movies
like Little Mermaid 2, The Lion King 1½, and much of the Air Bud series. The original 1997 Air Bud was released in theaters, and
although it was bad, it wasn't outright garbage. That would come later after
Disney decided to turn the sports-playing dog into a franchise that would come
to exemplify how the company had changed from the House of Mouse to the
money-gobbling destroyer of your children's brain cells.
Just take a look at any of these films: talking animals, poor
production values, vapid scripts, cloned storylines and obnoxious
demographic-driven characters. That last item, the market-driven character choices, is what irks me most of all. Each dog is written to appeal to some unfortunate kid. Rosebud has the pink bow in her hair (think Ms. Pac-Man), so she's there for girls. Bud-dha, a dog that does yoga and quotes Chinese proverbs, is there for, I don't know, for kids whose parents do organic farming or smoke pot. (Bud-dha seems especially out of place in the Christmas movie.) There's Budderball, who farts acrid gas plumes, eats constantly and wears a football jersey and the dark eye smudges everywhere. This dog is here for the obese diabetic crowd, which is a skyrocketing demographic. Mudbud is the dog that tracks in mud and shakes it loose in the all-white living room. Even the most strident animal lover would ponder K9 abandonment living with this asshole of a dog. Then there's B-Dawg, a dog created to get
some kind of urban influence in the films — every time he opens his mouth the members of Public Enemy collectively shiver somewhere.
The films have varying cast members in each, but some actors turn up in a number of the films: Air Bud's original owner, Josh Framm, is played by Kevin Zegers, who appears in the first four films; Josh's mom is played by Cynthia Stevenson, who appears in five of the middle films; and Richard Karn, poor Richard Karn, shows up as the step-dad in three movies. With similar casts, the films also play out in the same ways. The Air Bud movies all open with picturesque shots of the town, and quickly introduce the new sport and the new villain (they all drive around in creepy chester vans and trucks) before settling in on training montages followed by winning montages. At that point the villains steal one or several dogs, at which point the kids have to get involved so they can make it back just in time to win the big game. The Buddies movies are paced slightly differently: they open with each Buddy doing their signature move with their owner (the fat one eats, the zen one yogas, the girl one plays dress-up, the urban one apes hip-hop, the dirty one rolls in the mud) and then they are usually stolen or stow aboard a car, boat, plane, ice cream truck, space shuttle etc.
The films were all made by Disney (this isn't a franchise they acquired halfway through the run) and most were directed and produced by Robert Vince, except for the first one, which was made by Charles Martin Smith, the lovable tax bookworm who gets his skull cavity vacated in an elevator in The Untouchables. I watched an interview with Vince and just take a look at his IMDb profile photos — he seems like a nice enough guy. How he came to be Hollywood's go-to guy when it comes to stupid animal movies would be an interesting story for a much better movie. By the way, Vince doesn't just have the Air Bud movies; he's also produced and directed a line up straight-to-DVD chimp-sports movies. Consider these gemstones: MVP: Most Valuable Primate, MVP: Most Vertical Primate and MXP: Most Xtreme Primate.
For some sadistic reason, I watched all the Air Bud films recently,
including Treasure Buddies that came
out last month. Some of my notes are below. I want you to see what you're
feeding your children's brains. Call it an exercise in shame. And maybe if
people stop buying these movies, Disney will return to its legacy of great
animation and worthwhile family films.
— Michael Clawson
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Air Bud (1997)
Plot: Fatherless boy Josh Framm moves to a new town, where he has
no friends other than golden retriever Buddy, who ran away from a mean clown.
Josh and Buddy join the team under a weird sports clause — "It doesn't
specifically say dogs can't play" — and win the state championship title.
Famous Faces: Prolific character actors Bill Cobbs (The Bodyguard,
The Hudsuxker Proxy) and the late Michael Jeter (The Green Mile) make extended
appearances. Cobbs as a former Knicks player turned janitor, and Jeter as Snively, the clown villain.
Horrible Dog Pun: Can he dribble? "No, but he can drool a lot."
Low Point: They let the dog play competitive basketball because
it's not in the rule books. Also not in the rule books, but allowed to play:
kitchen sinks, ghosts, vegetables and weather. Yes, this theme is repeated in all the other films, but the first time seems noteworthy.
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Air Bud: Golden Receiver (1998)
Plot: Josh and Air Bud start middle school and a new sport — football. There's also some business about an illegal zoo and Russian animal
poachers. By the end of the film, Buddy is in a mini football outfit and
winning the state title. The film never explains how a dog, even one with a
large mouth, might catch a football.
Famous Faces: Disney staple Tim Conway, Nora Dunn, football
player Warren Moon and the great Brooklyn
actor Robert Costanzo (Total Recall), who has 252 projects to his credit.
Horrible Dog Pun: "I'll tell you boys, that ain't no golden
retriever. That there is a golden receiver."
Low Point: Boy on the first day of school: "You know the best
thing about the eighth grade? The girls turn into women."
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Air Bud 3: World Pup (2001)
Plot: Josh gets sweet on a soccer player while Buddy makes moves
on her dog. Soon enough there's puppies and a slimy dog broker tries to steal
them so he can sell the famous pups to a wealthy client. The film ends with
Buddy in a soccer game during the — you guessed it — state finals.
Famous Faces: Character actor Martin Ferrero, who most people
will remember as the lawyer eaten by the tyrannosaur in Jurassic Park
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Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch (2002)
Plot: Josh goes away to college, but he leaves Buddy with his kid
sister, who joins the baseball team. While she struggles with the new sport, a genetic
engineer starts kidnapping Buddy's pups to map their sports genes. This one
ends during a big baseball game with the sister and Buddy stealing the show.
This movie is noteworthy for its numerous musical montages and the introduction
of a raccoon, which foreshadows where the franchise is headed.
Famous Faces: This marks the first appearances of Patrick
Cranshaw (Blue from Old School), as a sheriff, and Richard Karn (Al Borland
from TV's Home Improvement), as the step-dad.
Horrible Dog Pun: "This game has gone to the dogs."
Low Point: The umpire practicing his shadow puppets mid-call for
no explicable reason.
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Air Bud: Spikes Back (2003)
Plot: When Buddy and Josh's kid sister aren't playing beach
volleyball, Buddy is chaperoning an ice-cream-gobbling kid with hypertension in his
future. The kid teaches Buddy an obstacle course that also happens to be
identical to a route through a laser alarm system at a museum where an
expensive diamond is being held. Do you see where this is going? Also, a
talking parrot plays a major role.
Famous Faces: Edie McClurg (the secretary from Ferris Bueller's
Day Off) shows up to make broccoli smoothies and asparagus pies. Athlete
Gabrielle Reece appears as herself.
Horrible Dog Pun: "But he's not an Irish setter."
Low Point: Air Bud spiking a volleyball with an obviously fake
doggy paw. And not to split hairs here, but there's no way a dog could jump high enough to spike a volleyball.
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Air Buddies (2006)
Plot: This film alters the canon of the series by changing the
number of the pups and their names. They also talk! And once again villains try
to dognap the pups — who all live with their own youth owners — to sell to a
wealthy client.
Famous Faces: All kinds of stars turn up for voice casting:
Abigail Breslin, Michael Clarke Duncan, Debra Jo Rupp, Molly Shannon, Wallace
Shawn, Tom Everett Scott and Don Knotts, who died before this stinker was even
released.
Horrible Dog Pun: "I can't swim. I can't even doggy paddle."
Low Point: This B-Dawg quote: "This game is going to be
off-the-chain insane."
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Snow Buddies (2008)
Plot: The five talking Buddies stow away on an ice cream delivery
truck and end up being air-dropped into Alaska
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Space Buddies (2009)
Plot: The Buddies stow away on an unmanned space flight that
meets up with a Soviet-era cosmonaut before heading to the moon. At one point
the dogs take control of the space ship and fly it back to Earth. I did like the line about how the Soviet cosmonaut makes his own drinks, "but they don't taste very good and we use it for rocket fuel." That there is space hooch!
Famous Faces: Funnyman Diedrich Bader (Napoleon Dynamite, The
Drew Carey Show) plays a Soviet cosmonaut trapped in space, oddball comedienne
Amy Sedaris (Strangers With Candy) does a ferret voice and
Horrible Dog Pun: The word Dogmonaut and the tagline, "One small step for
dog, one giant leap for dogkind."
Low Point: Dog farts in a space suit to inflate it so it can be
used as a thruster during a space walk.
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Santa Buddies (2009)
Plot: Santa Claus and canine counterpart Santa Paws enlist the
Buddies to restore holiday cheer and save Christmas. The film teaches that
Christmas is more than toys and gifts by showing nothing but toys and gifts in nearly every scene. I consider the Buddies movies to be spin-off of Air Bud. This means that anything that comes from this would be a spin-off of a spin-off, which is exactly what happened when Disney and Robert Vince made The Search for Santa Paws in 2010. In case you were wondering, it went straight to DVD.
Famous Faces: Tom Bosley (Happy Days) and Richard Kind (A Serious
Man) turn up for dog voices. Christopher Lloyd, Doc Brown from Back to the
Future, plays the evil dogcatcher. Norm from Cheers (George Wendt) also appears
in what might be the worst version of Santa Claus ever committed to film.
Horrible Dog Pun: To reindeer: "That's reindogs to you."
Low Points: The offensive Jamaican dog that lives in a tin shack
and has dreadlocks. Also, this B-Dawg quote during a dance move: "I call this
the four-paw pop, the boogaloo jaw drop, to the tail rotation for the B-dawg
nation."
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Spooky Buddies (2011)
Plot: An evil warlock casts a spell on the Buddies and their
owners and they only have until Halloween night to fix everything before a
kind-looking hound escapes from hell to control the world. Considering how often parents accuse the Harry Potter franchise of practicing witchcraft and pagan idolatry, this film should be pre-packaged for angry parents and Disney picketing. Sadly, it didn't happen.
Famous Faces: Comedian Harland Williams (Half Baked) plays the
quasi-Satanist warlock villain.
Horrible Dog Pun: "You dogs be crazy, dawg."
Low Point: Harland Williams riding a magician's staff like a
surfboard. It's just so, so bad.
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Treasure Buddies (2012)
Plot: The Buddies head to Egypt Egypt
Air Bud (1997)
Air Bud: Golden Receiver (1998)
Air Bud 3: World Pup (2001)
Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch (2002)
Air Bud: Spikes Back (2003)
Air Buddies (2006)
Snow Buddies (2008)
Space Buddies (2009)
Santa Buddies (2009)
Spooky Buddies (2011)
Treasure Buddies (2012)
