You sank my Battleship!

In the pantheon of bad directors, the throne room of Michael Bay has found its court jester. His name is Peter Berg.

The honor couldn’t come to a more pompous jerk. Not long ago I saw a behind-the-scenes feature with Berg, who directs with a ferocious energy as he charges his way around the set, swearing loudly to himself and carpetbombing every shot with camera coverage so his editor can make the film for him. He struck me as a man who doesn’t really like movies, but looks upon them as things to be conquered, like Genghis Khan looking down at empty spaces on maps saying, “Mine.”

Berg is no stranger to bombastic skull-grinding action films: his past movies include the inexplicably dopey The Rundown, the blasé-blasé superhero romp Hancock, and The Kingdom, the war-thriller that’s notable to Valley residents because a man died on a Mesa freeway during its production. (He also made the movie version of Friday Night Lights, which was loud and kinetic, but also quite wonderful and heartbreaking.) Berg’s latest is a live-action version of the Milton Bradley tabletop game Battleship. The board game, developed commercially during World War II and popularized during the Cold War, was a naval strategy guessing game with little plastic ships and white and red pegs indicating hit and missed offensive strikes. You will be forgiven for not remembering the game’s space aliens.

The film stars Hopper (Taylor Kitsch from another big-budget dud, John Carter) as a washed-up reject who would much rather be lounging in a bathrobe carving bongs out of Granny Smith apples. Hopper is very susceptible to persuasion: his brother tells him to join the Navy and in the next scene he’s in the Navy, and an officer no less even though it seems highly unlikely he has the required college degree. Hopper is introduced in a sequence where he slapsticks his way through a convenience store heist. He is sent there by a busty blonde who orders her dinners — microwave-cooked chicken burritos is no way to keep that figure — from the local dive bar. But when the bar’s kitchen is closed Hopper heads across the street to raid the burrito bin in one the film’s funnier moments.

I liked this scene. It is silly fun, Kitsch’s timing is perfect as he falls from the ceiling repeatedly, and I loved how it was shot using the store’s security camera footage. But there’s a catch, one that proves this movie is a sham: this whole botched burrito heist is shot-by-shot remake of actual security camera footage of a man “epic fail”-ing a real-life robbery. Search YouTube for “store robbery fail” and there it is on the first page. Like everything else in this movie, this scene is a fraud.

Later Hopper finds himself on one of three Navy boats off the Hawaiian coast when five alien UFOs land in the Pacific. One breaks up in the atmosphere and crash lands in Hong Kong after bumping into an orbiting satellite, yet strangely the others all survive intact even after they hit the concrete-hard water at re-entry speeds, but nevermind the physics. The UFOs take defensive positions and then zap a force field over all of Hawaii and the surrounding ocean. And then the aliens wait. Maybe they plan to invade, or maybe they’re just making a pitstop between galaxies — Battleship has no plans on telling us. Eventually the two sides start fighting each other, and then all hell breaks loose as the film careens ever forward on the wobbly presumption that since many people paid to see Transformers 3 they would do so again if this time it was called Battleship.

Like Transformers, this film makes no visual sense. It’s hard to tell what boat we’re looking at, who’s commanding it and where other characters are in relation to landmarks within each scene. The film’s spatial awareness is limited to only what is on the screen at any given point, which makes being an audience member tedious and oftentimes confusing. The special effects look nifty, but they only disqualify the film further from what our eyes recognize as visual continuity. For example: one of the three boats is a Japanese ship, but the film is shot with such complex irregularity it’s nearly impossible to figure out which one it is, and why the aliens decide to destroy it and not an American ship. In another sequence, I was sure two people were climbing up a mountain to get to a control room, but we later see they were climbing down even though in previous scenes the control room was shown to be on the mountain’s tip-top peak.

What’s so strange, though, is that each individual scene in Battleship is flawlessly shot. The Navy scenes could be recruitment videos. The makeout scenes with Hopper and his blonde could be a perfume ad, or a fashion video. The action scenes are remarkable video-game cinematics. But sandwich all these sequences together and all you get is baloney (instead of bologna). I call this Michael Bay Syndrome: every shot looks like either a music video or a TV commercial, but the movie, seen as a whole, is a rancid stew of hyper-stylized disjointed movie clips. It reminds me of what Roger Ebert said about Bay’s Armageddon: “Here it is at last, the first 150-minute trailer.”

The actors don’t make matters any better. Gravel-voiced Kitsch is completely unprepared for roles like this. One minute he’s leading his men into certain doom and the next he’s hogging all the glory by sniping alien cockpit windows from the bow. Something tells me the Navy would frown on his brand of showboating and freewheeling. Model Brooklyn Decker wasn’t hired for her acting abilities so I won’t waste time discussing them here. And Alexander Skarsgård, so great as Eric on True Blood, is given dialogue so inconceivably wooden that he needn’t wear a life preserver while at sea. And finally, what does it mean when Liam Neeson has the best performance in a movie? Trick question: nothing, Liam Neeson has he best performance in every movie he’s in. But what does it mean when pop star Rihanna (Umbrella … ella … ella … ella) has the second best performance in a movie? I’m still puzzling that answer, so let me know if you have one that makes sense.

Rihanna has a funny role: she’s in every scene. Apparently she’s the most qualified person on the boat. She’s in the engine room, the torpedo room, the forward hull, the upper deck, the missile launch center, the radar monitoring station and the bridge. Early in the film she controls a machine gun on a rubber boat as it goes out to greet the UFOs and during breaks in filming she swabbed the decks. Someone create an internet meme where Admiral Rihanna turns up randomly in other movies.

Some of the Navy scenes are exciting, including an AC/DC-blasted sequence where current and retired seamen join up to re-commission the USS Missouri, a battleship on display in Hawaii after the Navy switched to destroyers. Young sailors are shown side-by-side with old salty dogs (probably real Navy veterans) as they turn the Missouri museum into a fully functional war machine. This should have been the whole movie, but alas, it’s shortlived.

Before I sign off here, let me discuss one more scene. The aliens have jammed all the tracking equipment on the ships, so the crew has devised a plan to use tsunami warning buoys to track water displacement. On the ship’s computer screen the buoys form a grid with blipping dots representing a possible UFO location. All they can do is launch a missile and blindly hope they hit something. If you’ve ever played the Milton Bradley version of Battleship then you’ll recognize this as the object of the board game, which makes me wonder if Peter Berg ever does a version movie version of The Game of Life, would he embed a giant spinning wheel into the nearest mountain range? 

Battleship is one of the dumbest movies of the last couple years, and certainly one of the worst “big” movies ever made. The money it took to make it could have paid the medical bills of thousands of leukemia patients, or funded food banks for decades, or sent thousands of under-privileged teens to college. Instead, here it is, a floating debris field captained by a mini Michael Bay.