Friday, August 31, 2007

Movie props redux ... Thanks to Whitney Matheson

USA Today entertainment blogger, Whitney Matheson, whose Pop Candy is sweet enough for a cavity, named 10 great movie props in her posting Aug. 27, which can be viewed here. The list — which included Indiana Jones’ tan fedora, the rug that “really tied the room together” in The Big Lebowski and Darth Vader’s lightsaber — included all the heavyweights, as well as some lightweights, like Steve Martin’s paddle-ball game from The Jerk.

At the end she challenged readers to make their own list. Here you go, Whitney. As for my own readers, the few of you out there, I challenge you to produce your own list for me, or on Whitney’s page.
Here is my list:


10. Raiders’ idol — Whitney was right when picking an Indiana Jones prop, but I would have picked the whip before the hat, and the gold idol from Raiders of the Lost Ark before the whip. The idol is the better choice because it was in such a defining and iconic moment within the franchise. But really the entire franchise has great props: Coronado's cross, the older Dr. Jones' grail diary, the Holy Grail, the whip, the hat, the messenger bag, the empty holster, those diamond-filled stones, that poison antidote, the pendant worn by Marion Ravenwood ... you could just go on and on with the props.

9. Blondie’s poncho — Clint Eastwood’s Mexican poncho that appeared in the so-called “Man With No Name” Spaghetti Western movies is one of the great movie costumes. Darth Vader’s ensemble was cool, but it’s overall size would make displaying it difficult. Bogart’s overcoats were nice, but too typical for this list. I do like the white suit worn by Don Fanuchi in The Godfather Part II, but again it’s too big. Blondie’s poncho is perfect.

8. Two guns — One is Little Ralphie’s Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle from A Christmas Story. ‘Nuff said. The second is Dirty Harry’s .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world. Really ‘nuff said. If you owned both pieces you could stage mock fights in your backyard, where you could quote "you'll shoot your eye out" and "make my day" until your trigger fingers got cramps. (I should also mention some other guns that would fit in quite well in this entry: the machine gun in The Wild Bunch, the Joker's super-long handgun in Batman, the leg-gun from Planet Terror in Grindhouse, or that flame thrower from that Ripley uses to slow roast bug scum in Aliens.)

7. Groundhog’s alarm clock — I realized after I had already titled my No. 7 entry that the No. 7 entry no longer exists because in Groundhog Day it was smashed, thrown, beaten and generally abused each morning as Bill Murray awoke to the same exact day. But who cares? It’s a great piece of movie memorabilia and there’s got to be an original one.


6. Pulp Fiction’s case — Much debate has gone on about the contents of Marcellus Wallace’s briefcase, from which a gold shower of lights spills from when opened. Is it Marcellus’ soul, Elvis suit, gold coins … what we’ll never know. And Jules and Vincent won’t tell either. I’d love to actually own the prop but have it welded shut just so I can have people look at it and watch as they vainly attempt to open it to discover Pulp Fiction’s secret.


5. Letters of transit — They’re rarely seen on screen in Casablanca but those damned letters of transit crush Rick’s world when they show up and then again when they leave on a plane in Ilsa’s hands. I think something like that would look sweet framed above your TV. What's strange is how they become MacGuffins, the term associated with Hitchcock movies, in which there is an object that everyone wants but serves no purpose to the plot. I honestly couldn't tell you what those letters look like, but because they create such chaos in Rick's life they will always be remembered. What would be sad is if the papers turned up and all they had on them was Bogey's Chinese take-out order. That reminds me of another good prop: that diaper worn by baby Superman, the same diaper that Marlon Brando supposedly wrote his lines on so he wouldn't forget. It would make a great prop, unless of course that baby deposited anything inside it, which is more than likely the case.

4. Cool Hand Luke’s sunglasses — Paul Newman spent many a day outside in Cool Hand Luke, but he never wore sunglasses. Instead they were worn by the non-speaking guard who terrorizes Luke with his presence. I’d love to go back and count the seconds that those glasses are on the screen. But if I owned them I wouldn’t wear them. That “world shaker” Luke wouldn’t have worn them. After all, they were worn by a man Luke spit in the face of with each escape attempt. Notice the end of the film, in the darkness and he still wears those damn sunglasses. Even as Luke is shot in a total "failure to communicate" those shades blacken out the eyes of the devil himself.

3. Two swords — Which two swords? Either Toshirô Mifune’s extra-long samurai sword in Seven Samurai or a Hattori Hanzo sword from Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill. Either would be a sweet piece of movie memorabilia. With Mifune’s sword, you get about five feet of cold hard steel — you can dice vegetables with it, go spear fishing, compete professionally at pole vaulting or disembowel your foes from across zip codes. Also, middle-age men can use the phallic shape to emphasize their dwindling manhood. As for the Hanzo sword, it will just look pimp on your wall.

2. The Maltese Falcon — Bogart has two items on this list and this gem-crusted little bird gets a higher (actually lower) placing only because the entire damn movie is spent attaining it. And even when private-eye Sam Spade does get the mythical relic in his cool paws he’s still far from having it — after all, it’s a fake. A few years ago one of the prop birds used for Falcon’s publicity photos with Bogey was stolen from a San Franciscan restaurant and presumably never recovered. If the thief has ever seen the movie, then he (or she) should know that it is cursed. Duh!

1. Rosebud — Steven Spielberg supposedly owns the original, which proves his coolness right there (who needs Jaws when you have freakin’ Rosebud?!?!). Rosebud, of course, is the wooden sled Charles Foster Kane calls out in his last breath at the beginning and end of Citizen Kane, Orson Welles’ masterpiece. The sled, based on one interpretation, is the innocence Kane lost when his mother gave up her parental rights and signed little Charlie over to the bank, thus replacing the need for warmth and compassion with greed and alienation. Who knew sledding was so damaging?

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Good Cop/Bad Cop: The Fuzz on Film

Cops have always had a place on the big screen, from early nourish detective stories and pulpy thrillers to modern action films and buddy pictures. And then there’s The Naked Gun, a cop movie that defies all conventions.


This Friday, with the release of Superbad, the movie cop will get another definition entirely: cops are rejected losers masking their social inabilities with a badge, a gun and a power trip at every call.

In celebration of movie cops, here is a list of good ones and bad ones for you to ponder until your next speeding ticket.
Michael Clawson

 

Good Cop

 

Harry Callahan, Dirty Harry

Rank: Inspector, 1971-1988
Police record: Consistent debate continues on how Harry Callahan became so dirty, but it may have something to do with him bashing in the heads of innocent-until-proven-guilty perps, shooting without provocation and an all-around bad attitude. Still, dirty or not, he gets the job done on the streets of San Francisco.
Quote: “Go ahead, make my day” or “A man’s got to know his limitations.”
Required viewing: The good inspector’s menacing reveal in Dirty Harry, where he blasts bank robbers with his .44 Magnum, “the most powerful handgun in the world.” It gave us the phrase, “Do I feel lucky?” … punk.

 

Captain Renault, Casablanca

Rank: Captain, 1942
Police record: Everyone makes a big deal about Rick’s sacrifice for poor ol’ Ilsa, but they neglect the real hero in Casablanca, puppet police official and would-be Nazi henchman Captain Renault (Claude Rains), who turns out to be good after all when he shoots Major Strasser on the jetway.
Quote: “Ricky, I’m going to miss you. Apparently you’re the only one in Casablanca with less scruples than I.”
Required viewing: Captain Renault and Rick sharing an intimate moment — the beginnings of a “beautiful friendship” — over the steaming corpse of a Nazi stooge.

 

Serpico

Rank: Officer, 1973
Police record: Frank Serpico (Al Pacino) was no hero cop, but he stood up against all the bad cops, and that has a lot of pull on this list. If there’s anything that makes you hate police, it’s the cops that think they own the world because they wear a badge. Serpico tried to change all that.
Quote: “The reality is that we do not wash our own laundry — it just gets dirtier.”
Required viewing: The facial hair. It appears halfway through and gets out of control by the film’s end. At one point his own colleagues don’t recognize him.

 

RoboCop

Rank: Officer, 1987-1993
Police record: Born from the bits of flesh leftover from a dead cop, RoboCop exists in a state of perpetual crime prevention, with a rapid-fire gun in his hip and every law encoded in his green-tinted visor.
Quote: “Dead or alive, you’re coming with me.”
Required viewing: Two thugs attempt to assault a woman in downtown Detroit. RoboCop subdues one with a trick shot through the woman’s skirt.

 

John McClane, Die Hard

Rank: Detective, 1988-2007
Police record: Wily and unpredictable, and always in the wrong place at the wrong time, John McClane (Bruce Willis) did things his own way, which usually meant blowing things up around the holidays.
Quote: “Welcome to the party, pal.” (We can’t print the best one)
Required viewing: McClane surgically operating on a guy’s kneecaps with a submachine gun in a famous boardroom scene in the original Die Hard.

 

Don Orville, 3rd Rock From the Sun

Rank: Officer, 1996-2001
Police record: He wasn’t in a movie — 3rd Rock was TV, great TV — but Don Orville (Wayne Knight) is one of the great televisions cops. He rarely made arrests, couldn’t pass a physical, succumbed to the donut stereotype and often used his job to impress one rather leggy girlfriend. Now that’s a cop!
Quote: “Sally, I’m a cop. I’ve got keen instincts. And right now, my instincts are telling me that … I don’t know what the hell is going on.”
Required viewing: Don and Dick (John Lithgow) playing good cop/bad cop on a suspect. It fails, so they then try bad cop/good cop, bad cop/bad cop and good cop/good cop to no avail.

 

Popeye Doyle, The French Connection

Rank: Detective, 1971-1975
Police record: The short-fused Jimmy “Popeye” Doyle wasn’t the nicest or most non-discriminatory cop, but he got the job done except for that guy with the French connections.
Quote: “All right, Popeye’s here! Get your hands on your heads, get off the bar, and get on the wall.”
Required viewing: Popeye stripping a car for dope. Check the rocker panels, Popeye.

 

Frank Drebin, The Naked Gun

Rank: Lieutenant, 1982-1994
Police record: Bumbling fool Frank Drebin was no great cop, but somehow he always caught the bad guy, even if it was by accident. He often violated police procedure and basic civil rights — he thought Miranda Rights was a person — yet in a spoof his ineptitude clicked in all the right places.
Quote: “Wilma, I promise you, whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he’s behind bars. Now, let’s grab a bite to eat.”
Required viewing: Drebin excuses himself from a police press conference to go to the restroom … and forgets to take off his wireless microphone!

 

 

Bad Cop

 

Chief Wiggum, The Simpsons

Rank: Police Chief, 1989-present
Police record: Dim-bulb Wiggum puts all other cops to shame. He openly profiles the people of Springfield, uses his department-issued pistol for cracking nuts, abuses taxpayer money and regularly accepts bribes (his badge reads “cash bribes only”). Don’t even get me started on his son, little Ralphie Wiggum.
Quote: “All right, Simpson, you just bought yourself a 417, pointing out police stupidity. Or is that a 413? No, a 413 is a dog and … um … you’re in trouble, pal.”
Required viewing: The episode “Homer’s Triple Bypass” features an extensive COPS parody with Wiggum and his officers failing to catch any real crooks.

 

Hank Quinlan, Touch of Evil

Rank: Captain, 1958
Police record: Bloated and drunk Hank Quinlan (Orson Welles) was more of a slob than a bad cop. Packing his face with fatty foods and whiskey, Quinlan only took time away from his slow demise to frame suspected criminals and belittle Mexicans living near the US border. He meets his end in front of his only friend, a man he betrayed through the whole film.
Quote: “I don’t speak Mexican.”
Required viewing: The frantic and dizzying sequence in a hotel room where Quinlan plants dynamite in a bathroom and verbally and physically harasses a couple who may not be guilty.

 

The cops of Superbad

Rank: Officers, 2007
Police record: Officers Slater and Michaels (Seth Rogen and Bill Hader) obviously don’t care. Why else would they have a drunken shoot-off on a city street with an underage teen with a fake ID? Besides that, they also fake police reports, use the breathalyzer machine as their own arcade game, abuse police privileges in bars and restaurants, and use their cruiser for a makeshift demolition derby.
Quote: Officer Michaels breaking up a party: “We assume you all have crack and guns.”
Required viewing: The two cops actually believing a teen’s fake ID, even as the name on the altered license reads McLovin’.

 

Norman Stansfield, Léon

Rank: DEA agent, 1994
Police record: Stansfield is a madman — plain and simple. The crooked narcotic agent loves his classical music (Mozart and Beethoven), his under-the-table drug deals and frightening outbursts of explosive violence. Here’s a man so unhinged from society even his medication has stopped working.
Quote: “I like these calm little moments before the storm. It reminds me of Beethoven.”
Required viewing: A hitman. A belt of grenades. A handful of pins. Boom!

 

Officer Alonzo Harris, Training Day

Rank: Officer, 2001
Police record: Officer Alonzo (Denzel Washington, in an Oscar-winning role) opened up a scary world of gangs, corruption and drug trafficking, all within the Los Angeles Police Department. Scary thing is, we didn’t need a movie to tell us that.
Quote: “To protect the sheep you gotta catch the wolf, and it takes a wolf to catch a wolf.”
Required viewing: Alonzo giving his famous King Kong speech to gangbangers.

 

T-1000, Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Rank: Officer (and Skynet machine), 1991
Police record: Sent back in time to dispose of a rebel leader while he’s a teen, the T-1000 has no heart, no soul and no sense of duty as a cop. That’s because he’s made of shape-shifting liquid metal. He begins the film killing a cop and taking his form. He’s one of the few movie cops who actually wears a police uniform as opposed to a trenchcoat and tie.
Quote: Pickings are slim because he rarely talks, but here’s one inside a helicopter: “Get out.”
Required viewing: The T-1000 commandeering a semi and ramming it off an overpass is pretty sweet.

 

Will Teasle, Rambo: First Blood

Rank: Sheriff, 1982
Police record: Teasle was probably a good sheriff before ex-special forces commando John Rambo wandered into his sleepy hamlet. Then Teasle (Brian Dennehy) had to go get all rough on the Vietnam vet. Rambo just retaliated. (A similar cop would be Sterling Hayden’s Godfather cop, Captain McKluskey, who single handedly, literally, started a mob legacy in Michael Corleone)
Quote: “Whatever possessed God in heaven to make a man like Rambo?”
Required viewing: Teasle whining and carrying on with Rambo’s handler, Col. Trautman. Teasle asks: “Are you telling me that 200 of our men against your boy is a no-win situation for us?” Yesiree, sheriff.

 

The police in The Blues Brothers

Rank: Mostly officers, some sergeants, captain and chiefs, 1980
Police record: These guys weren’t so much bad cops as just bad drivers. Modern police practice dictates “no high-speed chases through shopping malls.” Apparently that rule wasn’t in place in 1980 as Chicago’s finest destroy cruiser after cruiser chasing Jake and Elwood.
Quote: “Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut.”
Required viewing: The finale of the film, in which the police are joined by an army, to arrest the Blues Brothers.

Honorable Mentions
Here are two actors who’ve played cops on more than one occasion:
Ray Liotta Hero Wanted, Smokin’ Aces, Identity, John Q, Narc, Cop Land, Unlawful Entry, Hannibal
Harvey KeitelThelma & Louise, Bad Lieutenant, National Treasure, Rising Sun, Cop Land, Clockers, Red Dragon

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Volume archive hits Web

My professional career has been spent doing a variety of things. When I started as a journalist I was doing obituaries and compiling religion events for a church calendar. It didn’t stop there: cop logs, hard news, fluffy features, military news, a city beat, several school beats, part-time photographer, full-time photographer … at one point, as a joke by an editor who knew I was single at the time, I was designated the “cheerleader reporter” after covering a local Arizona Cardinal dancer. By default I still retain that title.

Anyway, I have done a lot. But only after I started writing about movies, music and pop culture did I truly find a home. For a long time I only had my movie reviews, then slowly I began writing about music (in SPIN magazine even), and later still I would slip in some culture-type stories (in one of my first I proclaimed the iPod to be the best thing to happen to music since the electric guitar). Eventually I combined all three things into my own section in the newspaper — I called it Volume. The early forms of the full-page section were crude and boring; now they’re the best designed paper in the West Valley View. Until recently, they’ve only been available in print in the newspaper. Now, for the first time ever, they’re available on the Web. And not just the current issues, either; even some of the back issues are available going back to last summer. Production genius Jonathan Barnes, who has designed and built Volume from the very beginning, has built a spiffy new site where you can check out our different pages. Also on the site is an e-mail contact for myself and my editor. Please, please, please write in and comment on the pages or tell us what you’d like to see in Volume. Here are the links:
And if you want to see some of my photography: SMUGMUG

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Another IMDb mention

So, Pick-Up Flix landed another mention on IMDb's Hit List about a week ago. The first one generated about a dozen responses; the most recent one about double that. I'm going to keep trying to get on there and hopefully (cross my fingers, laces don't count) readership will go up and up and up. It's been about a week since I've posted last ... my apologies on taking so long. It's been a busy week. First there was Independence Day, then the Warped Tour (see my pictures here) and then just this week I was without a Internet because I was getting a high-speed connection on my computer (feel free to welcome me to the 21st Century). But fret not, new posts are coming. And I have a bunch too, including one on the life and times of actor Brad Renfro and another on the colorful language in True Grit, a terrific John Wayne movie always overshadowed by the much-overrated The Searchers. Until then, pilgrims.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

A Small History of Ratings Flip-Flops

Die Hard switched ratings. That constitutes a betrayal in my book. That’s the way a staunch Democrat would look at it if his candidate switched mid-stream to the Republican side, or vice versa. In the Die Hard series, Bruce Willis plays John McClane. In the fourth entry in the series, Live Free or Die Hard, just call him Benedict Arnold.

Die Hard 1, 2 and 3 were all rated R, and rightfully so. In 1, McClane blows a guy’s kneecaps out as raspberry jelly shoots from the wounds. In 2, scaffolding crushes a man’s head like a grape, and later a man is sucked into a jet engine. In 3, McClane paints the interior of an elevator a nice shade of red, and later a man is ripped in two by a stray crane cable. In all of them we are given a great movie line upon the disposal of a bad guy: “Yippee-ki-yay …” you can imagine the rest. Pretty classic action-movie stuff.

Fast forward. Present day. Live Free or Die Hard. Gunshot wounds no longer bleed. Heads no longer come off or pop or crush or split. Bad guy’s no longer curse or execute innocent people (poor Joe Takagi) to prove a point. And John McClane no longer says his famous catch phrase. Sure, he says 75 percent of it, but a gunshot cracks over the important parts, those four deliciously vile syllables.

The reason for the shift in ratings — Live Free or Die Hard is PG-13 — can only be attributed to money. Studio bosses saw a chance to bring in X amount of people with an R-rated movie, and X2 with a PG-13-rated movie, which doesn’t require a parent or guardian buying the ticket. So, although McClane is an adult’s action hero, he’s written here for a teen crowd. It would be better if the character were just killed off rather than be censored and removed of his powers. And yes, the F-word and the ability to explode heads is a power in movies. Don't blame the Motion Picture Association of America ratings board. They just rated what they were given, and Die Hard's makers decided to give them PG-13 material. Shame on you the keepers of John McClane's legacy.

Here is a brief look at some other franchises that have switched ratings mid-series:

Mad Max — Mel Gibson’s Max Rockatansky character went from violent (Mad Max) to really violent (Road Warrior) to totally wimpy (Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome). The whisper of a kitten was mightier, not to mention more interesting. The R-rated franchise decided to geek itself out of the picture with an overproduced costume picture with one cool set (the Thunderdome) that suddenly prescribed to PG-13 values. And it had Tina Turner; what’s she got to do with it?

Crocodile Dundee — G’bye PG-13 rating. G’day PG. That’s what the series did with the third entry, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, an abysmal second sequel 13 years after the first sequel. This time ol’ Mick Dundee takes his joey along. The addition of a kid meant the jokes were tamer and the action not nearly as intense. Remember in the first film when he ruined a guy’s coke and then grabbed a transsexual’s balls? Those days are long gone here, mate.

Scary Movies — The Scary Movie franchise represents the extinction of the quality spoof. Its downfall: the series resorted to mocking individual films — Scream then Signs — rather than film movements or genres. (The last real spoof was Hot Shots! Part Deux) The first two movies were raunchy R-rated sex comedies; in the first one a man is impaled in the ear by a penis. The series then left the hands of the Wayans Brothers and plopped into David Zucker’s lap. Zucker, of course, directed Airplane! He toned down the sex and drug use and made a tame PG-13 comedy.

Major League — Baseball needed a movie like Major League. Notice I said movie, singular, and not movies, plural. The R-rated first film was rude and crude, and I vaguely recall a slow reveal of a life-sized nude picture of the team’s owner. And remember Dennis Haysbert (24’s President Palmer) chastising Jobu, his locker idol? The two sequels that followed it were not nearly as funny, or offensive. By the time the third film came around in 1998 most of the original cast — Charlie Sheen, Rene Russo, Tom Berenger and coach James Gammon — had all been traded. The lower ratings of the second and third pictures — PG and PG-13 respectively — probably had no real effect on the overall popularity of the film. The real culprit: all the material had been mined in the first one.

Harry Potter — The whole series is based on a children’s books, so you’d think it would all stay PG, but think again you dumb muggle (don’t worry, I’m one too). Instead Warner Bros. bumped the fourth and fifth movies — Goblet of Fire Order of the Phoenix — up to PG-13, proving that the stories were maturing with the audience. The new PG-13 rating didn’t provide any sex (although one kiss) or toilet humor, it did allow filmmakers to get a little creepier with the effects. For tiny children, the new rating was downright scary. If the rating arc were to continue, the last two films would have to be rated R. Unlikely.

Star Wars PrequelsEpisode I: The Phantom Menace and Episode II: Attack of the Clones had their fair share of action, mayhem and overall mischief, but still they landed a PG. Tear an arm off a robot and the ratings board doesn’t even whimper. Tear an arm off a Jedi and they’ll likely give you a PG-13, which is exactly what happened with Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Besides some violent sequences with the Jedi’s untimely demise and Anakin’s transformation into Darth Vader, the film is largely a PG movie except for the gloomy cloud that strikes a dark cast over the entire story.

Technicalities — Several films within a series have had their ratings altered only because of the invention of the PG-13 rating. For instance, Raiders of the Lost Ark was PG, but the later Indiana Jones films were PG-13 — Temple of Doom supposedly caused the introduction of the rating. Other film series with similar ratings changes include Rocky, Jaws and Poltergeist.

True movies — I enjoy movies that stay true to what they are, be it G-rated or R-rated material. Rambo has never compromised his violence, nor has Vito Corleone with The Godfather. The taming of John McClane should go down in action-movie history as one of the genre’s lowest moments. The only thing sadder is Tony Soprano on A&E without an F-word to stand on.

An open letter to Mandy Moore

My dearest Mandy,

I like you. I like you a lot. Not in that perverted stalker-type way either. And not in that “what is she doing right now?” paparazzi way either. I just like you. I think of you as a wholesome Hollywood person, even though those two words are unlikely to find each other in the same sentence nowadays. I like your cutesy little bob haircut, those dark mysterious eyes, your rosy little cheeks. I like that I’ve never seen you whoring it up, and as much as I would love to have seen you naked in one of your films, I’m glad that I actually haven’t. I also admire how I hear about you in the entertainment world, but never in an annoying amount. If Lindsay Lohan is No. 1 and Paris Hilton No. 2, then you’re ranked somewhere in the thirties, above Elisha Cuthbert but below Natalie Portman. You have a great deal of talent, be it with singing or acting or just being an adorable person.

But what’s the deal with your movie selections? I’m hesitant on bringing it up, but seriously, what’s going on? Is everything OK? I would send a get well card if I knew where to send it, but I’m not even sure you’re sick. I just know that something is wrong. That’s the only reason anybody would take on an assignment like License to Wed, a bad movie built from a collection of bad frames reeled at 24 frames per second. It’s a symphony of badness. I liked John Krasinski in The Office too, but come on. And before that … Chasing Liberty, How to Deal, Try Seventeen; what happened there? If you’re not getting good scripts, maybe you should hire a new agent. I hear there are lots of agents in the Los Angeles area. Or here’s a suggestion: don’t work unless you’re acting in good movies. You’re probably not filthy rich, but I’m sure you can afford to just chill out and wait for the right script. I’m a journalist and movie critic, which means I make basically nothing compared to you or anyone else (for instance: Wal-Mart managers), and even I could think of clever ways to sustain myself while not working. Or maybe you can just alternate between good scripts and bad scripts, which are usually ones set in high schools or the White House. Even Peter O’Toole did some stinkers, but every now and again he did what he was born to do — serious acting.

Here’s a tip: stay away from any romantic films. Unless of course, you’re an alcoholic or on drugs or a hooker or there is some kind of problem for you to overcome. And drunks and druggies usually aren’t pretty, which would satisfy my second tip — don’t look pretty. Look beautiful on the red carpet at your movie’s premier, but not in the movie itself. Ugly or homely characters are usually written better than girls cut from Cosmo or Seventeen. Nicole Kidman and Charlize got ugly and won Oscars. Try it out. Then try a co-starring role. Be someone’s daughter, preferably Meryl Streep or Glenn Close, or even Kevin Costner (did you see The Upside of Anger?). Or try a fantasy picture or something whimsical and light; I see Natalie beat you to Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium.

Don’t get the wrong idea, Mandy, I think you’ve done some good work. Saved! was terrific. And your performance in A Walk to Remember made me sob like weepy fool. Even some of your music is pretty good, although I’ll admit that pop music isn’t really “my thing.” I see potential in your career, if only it can get out of this rut. I’m sure it’s frustrating to read all this, and from a complete stranger, too. It’s easy for me complain about your work, especially when you’re famous and I’m not. Feel free to offer constructive criticism to my work or to one-up even that and ignore me altogether.

Hang in there, kid. America still believes in you. One script at a time you can change how you will be remembered in the cinema. There’s something in you we haven’t seen yet and I’m positive it will blow us all away when we finally do see it on the silver screen.
Sincerely,

Michael

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Big movie, tiny plot; Transformers are wimps


Some of the biggest movies ever created came out this summer, and in fact, are still coming out. 

The movies may be big, but the stories are small, small, small. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 sank. Shrek 3 was just boring. Spider-Man 3 was overproduced. I had reserved a shred of hope, though, for Transformers. Ten minutes into the big-budget popcorn flick and I realized hope is a deceptive belief to hang your expectations on when Michael Bay (Pearl Harbor, Armageddon) is calling the shots from a director’s chair.

Sure, Transformers is a nostalgia trip, an action vehicle, an effects-driven summer movie, but that doesn’t mean its story has an excuse to lay down for a nap, one from which it never wakes. What it all amounts to is a cruddy movie with a $200-million computer makeover. It’s amazing how a movie this big — the characters could share King Kong’s wardrobe — could drop into theaters with basically no real plot. Oh, I guess there’s a story: something about a cube, the Allspark, and an intergalactic war that spills into our world. But I shouldn’t have expected much; after all, the movie’s based on a line of Hasbro toys.

If you somehow skipped the ’80s the Transformers are giant alien robots that can morph (id est transform) into human creations like big rigs, helicopters, rescue vehicles, jets and even things as small as boomboxes and cell phones — although, since Transformers must first scan the device before becoming it, even they had to wait for the iPhone. The transformation process looks like the solution to one of those complex box puzzles: pieces turn and flip, appendages rotate out of the shapes, and parts fold onto themselves and around others to create robot abdomens and trunks. And voila, there stands a 25-foot robot where a Camaro was once parked.

This presents the first problem: the robots have no real form, just a jumble of pieces. So when two Transformers fight it’s hard to tell what’s going on. It’s would be like watching two masses of paperclips battling — all you see is paperclips rubbing together. Couple that with super-tight camera compositions and quick cutting and you get a rather hard-to-see picture. All I wanted was a good steady look of the Transformers so I could admire their forms. That moment came only several times.

Good Transformers are called Autobots and bad ones are called Decepticons. The movie begins in the Middle East, where the Decepticons have staged a battle to retrieve government secrets from a United State military base’s computer network. Proving yet again that action movies never top the opening scene, the attacker arrives in the form of a military helicopter, but quickly transforms into Robbie the Robot on PCP. One small platoon of soldiers escapes with their lives, but they’re marked for extermination by a giant scorpion robot.

The movie jumps around a lot, so don’t get too cozy with the characters yet. We then jump to a secret government program called Sector 7, which knows about the Transformers, and have even frozen Megatron, a vile Decepticons leader. From there, we jump to some flunky computer hackers, who are analyzing an alien answering machine message, and then to Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), whose great great grandfather encountered Megatron under the Arctic Circle. 

Poor LaBeouf, who was so good voicing a character in Surf’s Up (this summer’s true winner) and playing a deviant teen in Disturbia, finally caves in to overacting and cheap mugging to the camera. His Witwicky character is developed through his eBay account, which the Transformers have hacked looking for Grandpa Witwicky’s polar spectacles. Suddenly, a yellow Camaro shows up with a Herbie-like mind of its own — “It’s Satan’s Camaro,” Witwicky says — and the other Transformers aren’t far behind. Eventually, Witwicky and his girlfriend (the “evil jock concubine”) are stomping through Los Angeles and the Hoover Dam with Autobot leader Optimus Prime and several other Transformers who have learned English from the World Wide Web, which explains why one talks like a Brooklyn rapper. 



Everyone’s looking for the Allspark, but other than that it’s a free-for-all with action sequences popping up between pointless scenes with government agents and random scenes with one-off characters that neither further the plot nor give us something to enjoy. One exception: Bernie Mac plays a car dealer named Bobby Bolivia (“Like the country but without the runs”). I might as well abandon my no-plot diagnosis and concede that Transformers is all-action, all the time. That’s why it’s going to make a bzillion dollars at the box office this weekend.

Why try and convince you that it stinks when you’ve already booked time in your schedule for its screening? I hope you enjoy it. I found it dull and bothersome. I will say this, though: some of the computer effects are amazing. The opening battle sequence will get the blood pumping through your veins, as will the long-lasting finale, which punches holes through the Los Angeles skyline. Especially noteworthy are the slow motion effects, most of which are shot with long telephoto lenses using a technique (compression) that creates busy scenery and full backgrounds, and it puts Transformers and humans on the same film plane, even though in the movie’s world there are 50 yards between them. Transformers burst from the sand as humans scatter, rockets zip past enemies and over the heads of pedestrians and robots corkscrew into battles dodging bullets Matrix-style in super-slow-mo. Very cool! 

It’s just too bad $200 million doesn’t buy a better plot, one that makes sense at every angle. And what’s with the Transformers changing their abilities mid-way through the film? They have machine guns in their fingertips, rocket launchers in their forearms and pulse rays on their shoulders, but at the end they resort to hand-to-hand combat. Are we sure this is an advanced alien race? I expect shoddy filmmaking from Bay, but what’s Steven Spielberg’s excuse? Maybe he was just too busy watching this (toys) transform into this ($).
 

Monday, July 2, 2007

Duck, Sucker: A review 36 years in the making

And from the heavens fell a film. A great film. A Sergio Leone film. And the world was good.  


Many audiences have found and enjoyed Leone’s “lost” film Duck, You Sucker or, as it’s been widely known, A Fistful of Dynamite. But not until June, with the release of the Sergio Leone Anthology, did us silly ’Mericans get a good, long glimpse of the original edit of the quasi-western. Since its 1971 release, it’s been hacked up, gutted and pretty much devoured by a variety of editors, and even then it still never landed a wide-scale American release. Maybe movie enthusiasts didn’t make enough of a fuss about it in ’71 to make it a classic, or maybe moviegoers were still gushing about The Good, The Bad and The Ugly and Once Upon a Time in the West for Sucker to get its share of praise. Maybe, dare I say it, people didn’t like it … (gasp here). I wasn’t around, so I can’t speculate further. But I can recommend it now that it has an official release inside the Leone Anthology, which also features Clint Eastwood’s “Man With No Name” Spaghetti Westerns — A Fistful of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More and The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

Sucker stars James Coburn as John Mallory, an IRA explosives expert, who is drawn to Mexico as a hired demo-expert during a Mexican revolution (or maybe the Mexican Revolution). Rod Steiger — in the form of a smelly bare-footed peasant with the ferocity of a lion and the accent of Tony Montana off his medication — plays the sucker, Juan Miranda, a Mexican bandit pillaging under the skirt of a great frontier. The Irishman and the Mexican meet during a hold-up on a lonely road. Juan shoots out John’s motorcycle tire, so John returns the favor by blowing up Juan’s stagecoach. The explosion is preceded by the first of three references to the title: “Duck, you sucker,” John tells Juan as his various sons and fathers, all bandits as well, run for cover. In typical Leone style, this chance encounter makes up the entire first act of the movie, stretching to the absolute breaking point when Juan exhaustingly convinces the IRA thug to join in on a bank robbery.

Just as the movie saddles its burros (do burros even where saddles?) to head off for a bank heist, it drastically switches gears as John and Juan find political prisoners, not bags of gold coins, inside the bank’s vaults. Leone, with that sleight of hand worthy of a Vegas table, follows his cowboy opera Once Upon a Time in the West, a moving musical picture about railroads and redemption, with another movie about loftier goals than gold bars or bags of loot. In a way, it’s a buddy picture set against the Mexican Revolution, the same way Good/Bad/Ugly was a buddy flick amid the Civil War. Although it was lost in time and space somewhere between video stores and the Spanish frontiers where it was filmed — and after better pictures nonetheless — Sucker is the quintessential Leone picture: the music, of course by Ennio Morricone, is rich and layered deep within Sucker’s dirty skin; the plot is an allegory involving race and friendship, and the trust that binds them together; the tempo is methodical and intricate, not the kind of 158-minute movie you step into halfway through; and the cinematography is picturesque if “picturesque” can also describe dusty, blistering landscapes chock full of machine gun nests, pre-planted explosive packs and ambushing revolutionaries.

It should also be noted that the body count of Duck, You Sucka is high enough to get mentioned on a United Nations watch list. As soon as the two protagonists arrive in the bank’s keeper city, an Orwellian western town called Mesa Verde, armed patrols start executing political dissidents. And once they start, they don’t stop. Soldiers are mowed down with machine guns, revolutionaries (including children) are blasted mercilessly in a cave and a derailed train makes for a bloody turkey shoot. In one uninterrupted long take, the camera pans across several concrete corrals of political prisoners as soldiers rain hot lead down onto their heads in a genocidal rage. Before that John and Juan stage a firefight that ends with results so conclusive that it may be the only time in cinematic history an entire army is defeated in a fraction of a second. For comparisons to other films, I consulted Movie Body Counts, a morbidly fun site that counts the dead in action films. The top five body-count movies: two Lord of the Rings movies, where computer war sequences rack up nearly 1,200 dead; John Woo’s Hard Boiled, in which bad guys inexplicably shoot evacuating patients as they flee a hospital under siege; We Were Soldiers, with lots of dead American and North Vietnamese soldiers; and Equilibrium, with Christian Bale dispatching sci-fi cops with geometrical kung fu. Duck, You Sucka isn’t listed on the site … yet. If it were, I would put its body count well into the 500s, thus high in the top five list.

Body count aside, though, this sweltering hunk of a film is a wonderful addition to your Eastwood/Leone pictures. Don’t expect it to be like the Eastwood pictures, or even so much like its sister film, Once Upon a Time in the West; just expect a truly unique Leone experience. He brings it to you gift-wrapped from 1971.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Ratatouille Overload

This collection of interviews, reviews and features originally ran in the June 26 Volume section of the West Valley View


Food — no, cuisine — stars in scrumptious new Pixar picture
Pixar’s latest dazzler is all about food. Not hot dogs, toaster pastries and microwave burritos, but serious cuisine, entrées with long-winded French names that come in miniature portions on oversized plates with drizzled sauces — one ingredient is required to be fois gras. 

Don’t send your dinner jacket to dry cleaning yet. At the end of Ratatouille, it’s a simple recipe — a peasant food; the American translation would be cheesy macaroni from a box — that’s transformed tenfold to win our hearts and, more importantly, our stomachs. It wouldn’t be a stretch to layer this theme onto cinema itself: Pixar’s simple, story-driven pictures are not just run-of-the-mill menu items anymore, but the food equivalent of culinary art.

“It’s dangerous when we start talking themes. We don’t make films with the intention of teaching you something, or having a theme bring you a message,” the film’s producer, Brad Lewis, said. “But if you look at this and see it as a metaphor for life, or friends, or film … then that makes me happy. Obviously, you can pull anything from this that you want.”

Director Brad Bird chimed in with a food allegory: “A really good hamburger is just as fine as a filet mignon. What something is about does not define the quality of it. A comic strip like Peanuts can be as profound as any good book.”

Ratatouille, which carries Pixar’s most complex story to date, is about a rat, Remy (voiced by Patton Oswalt), who stumbles into France looking for his family. He finds Linguini (Lou Romano), a human, who is working in a famed French restaurant known for its bisque, which Linguini fouls up. Linguini, it would seem, can’t cook, but Remy can. They enlist each other — the rat invents the recipes, the human makes them — to win over a morose food critic whose office is in the shape of a coffin.

The movie is directed and co-written by Bird, the creative force behind two recent animated movies involving humans — The Iron Giant and The Incredibles. Bird has, twice in a row, featured humans at Pixar, a studio that has only animated toys, fish, monsters and bugs before him.

“People are scared off by humans because we know how humans move … it’s not a mystery to us anymore,” Bird said. “I’ve always been fascinated with animating humans because it’s difficult. In Ratatouille, these aren’t life-like humans; they’re caricatures. And it was really fun to watch them develop.”

And a footnote: “This is also my first talking critter movie.”

Indeed, the critters do talk, but in his defense, they talk only to themselves. So when a human walks in on a rat conservation he only hears tiny squeaks and chirps. The illusion that humans talk human and rats talk rat is preserved, even with the anomaly of Remy, who seems to understand dialects of rat, human and food.

In the film, Remy helps steer the rather inept Linguini in the kitchen by hiding under his toque (a French chef’s hat) and pulling on tufts of his red hair as if they were reins. This presented an animation problem: how to convincingly illustrate hair. If his hair is too stiff Linguini runs the risk of looking like a Backstreet Boy minus the frosting; too floppy and it’ll dangle loosely on his digital scalp. The answer, Lewis said, was partially answered in a previous Pixar film, Monsters Inc., which featured a giant monster covered from horns to toes in purple and blue fur that matted when wet, moved when touched and swayed when blown upon. 

“The fur on the Sully character in Monsters Inc. was a precursor to us understanding how hair and fur can be done this time out. I’m no animator, but I know it was no easy process,” Lewis said. “This film builds on the shoulders of other great Pixar films. From the fur, the hair, the water, the open flames in the kitchen … we can’t take credit for understanding these things without the films that came before us.”

Bird acknowledges the difficulties on the movie, but said they were important to telling a story.

“Water’s really hard to do on a computer. But for us, our movie wasn’t set on the ocean like Finding Nemo or Surf’s Up, which I haven’t seen yet. So water wasn’t a big concern. Even the hair played a minimal role,” he said. “For this movie we just really wanted to make the food look good.”

And food is the core element to Ratatouille, which is itself a food, a vegetable dish considered to be a simple and modest staple to a French diet. Much of the movie is spent in a kitchen drizzling sauces over plates, pinching herbs into pots, dicing vegetables and it has several memorable scenes at the edges of a spoon or fork where food meets mouth, or vice versa. The film had technical help from Thomas Keller, chef and owner of Northern California’s French Laundry, an ultra-exclusive (reservations must be made month in advance) restaurant known for its exquisite . Keller provided some inside expertise, said one of the Brads (Brad Lewis).

“One thing we had to fly by the seat of our pants on was food. This is the first time that computer animation has done first-rate food. We didn’t want it to be photo real; we wanted artistic, wonderful food that evokes appetite,” Lewis said. “If you leave hungry, then I guess it was done correctly.”


Tales from a dirty rat
Once upon a time, Patton Oswalt received a phone call. On the other line a voice relayed: “You’re the rat.” And then all was good in the comedian’s world. The end.



At least with that chapter.


Oswalt, a comedian known for his railings on Bush and religion, was asked to voice Remy, the rat and star in Ratatouille. Volume sat down with him to discuss the film, food and rats, but not necessarily in that order.


Volume: Have you ever been to Phoenix before?
Patton Oswalt: My grandma lives in Tempe, Ari., so I come here all the time, especially when I was a little kid. I really like it here because it kinda feels like you’re on a moon colony … things are so bleached and clean. And I really love the desert at night. I love how when it’s really hot everyone just locks themselves in their homes to escape the heat. Sure, Hispanics have their siestas, but everyone else does a very-Caucasian version of a siesta and they’ll crank the AC, jump in the pool and then come in and watch games shows on TV. The heat is just inescapable and I’ve always found it nice to chill out indoors.

Volume: How do you get picked for voicing a rat?
PO: I heard that Brad Bird was listening to one my comedy albums and he said, “That’s the rat.” [Bird confirmed this, saying Patton is “as funny as he thinks he is.”]

Volume: Is that weird someone thinks of you as a rat’s voice?
PO: Oh, it’s totally flattering. I’ve loved Brad Bird’s work way back to his days on The Simpsons and Iron Giant. I’ve been a Pixar fan since Luxo for crying out loud. I asked myself, “Was this a dream come true?” No! Because this was so ridiculously beyond any of my dreams that I never thought it would ever ever happen. I would have been happy with so much less than this.

Volume: How much less?
PO: If I would have had one line I would have still taken it. If all I said was “give me that pot” in the background I would be blogging about how awesome it was right now.

Volume: Have you had the dish ratatouille?
PO: It’s delicious. It’s a very basic peasant dish — it’s tomato sauce and savory vegetables all grilled and cooked. It’s great. It’s like succotash or chili or pot roast in that it’s cheap and can feed your whole family. That’s why the movie works: because the dish is so simple. Think about it, anybody could make filet mignon or black truffles taste amazing. But if you can take a ribeye or a haddock and make it amazing that’s the sign of a great chef. If you can elevate something that much, you’re good.

Volume: Are you getting any stories for your stand-up from this experience?
PO: I’ve been doing a lot of kids press because of this movie. That’s when I realized how much I use cynicism and negativity just to communicate in the world. With kids you have to be really positive. It’s almost painful. They ask, [in a child’s voice] “Did you like working with Brad Bird?” I respond: “It was really really fun” as blood drips from my ears. It’s like my head’s coming apart.


Context-free thoughts from Janeane G.
Janeane Garafalo voices a sultry French chef in Ratatouille. Talking with her about just one topic is impossible. Here are some context-free examples from our uproarious conversation:



• “It’s not horrible, like, working in a salt mine, especially since it’s elective.”
• “No one makes anyone go into entertainment.”
• “Getting up at 4:15 in the morning to be on Good Morning Utah is not the highlight of my career.”
• “Apparently the timbre and tone of my voice is what people want.”
• “I haven’t been to France so I had a CD with a French guy speaking English, but then I lost that. So then I started watching CNN International because they have an anchor who speaks in a French accent.”
• “Sometimes I would forget so I would just think of suh-ren-oh-mee for the word ‘ceremony.’”
• “Sorry, I don’t know how to turn my phone off … seriously.”
• “I have no excuses, only apologies.”
• “I will one day run with the bulls in Pamplona, except I won’t because I don’t want to run with the bulls in Pamplona.”
• “I don’t cook, but I do like watching good cooks cook.”
• “I’m fiscally prudent, I’ll give myself that.”
• “I am savvy, which is why I don’t have to do Revenge of the Nerds III.”
• “Nothing against doing Revenge of the Nerds III.”
• “I think those drapes are perfectly adequate for this room. They wouldn’t have been my first choice but then again they are pleasing to the eye and fully functional.”
• “When I met Albert Brooks I thought I was going to have a heart attack.”
• “You can’t polish a turd … especially with chamois.”
• “It’s a swimsuit, but I just use it as a bra.”
• “Patton [Oswalt] has man-boobs, but he’ll admit that freely.”